On Mating
Lectures on sexuality by
Carolus Linneus
The discharge of semen
generally begins
by 14th year,
when men first indulge in
the act of love,
and continues thereafter,
until the age of 50 or 60,
when it comes to an end.
And when the semen starts
to flow, the hair round
the pleasurable members
also begins to grow,
the teats begins to swell,
the voice changes, etc.
Both sexes are stirred
by Nature
towards mating more easily
than before,
when they scarce noted
the difference between
each other.
The time has come.
You sure?
Yes. Are you really sure?
Yes.
Offenders will be prosecuted
I don't care.
Two centimeters.
Yes. Check.
Let's see now.
We don't have the time.
Postponed until next recess.
What is his name? Stig.
He's cute.
He lives in a same building?
Yes, the same floor.
Mikael Bengtsson.
Orvar Bergmark.
Grunt-Orvar.
What? Grunt-Orvar.
It has to be Runt-Orvar
to be funny.
Isidor Blecker.
How long was it?
Kaj Cervin.
How long did he say it was?
Bengt Dahlstrom.
How long is it?
Roger Hansson.
Krister Kristenson.
Bo Larsson.
Lars Larsson.
Sune Malmberg.
Sture Martensson.
Albert Nilsson.
I was class monitor
last term
can I be monitor now?
Yes,
you and I can keep order
in the class together.
It will be good.
Helge Persson.
Stig Santesson.
The Stockholmer
Stockholmer?
Are you from Stockholm?
Yes, I left two years ago.
I am too,
I left three days ago.
My name is
Viola J-son Gruter.
I'll write it
on the blackboard.
Some ladies piss themselves
when they come.
What did you say?
They piss when they come.
Why?
It's like, wide open inside.
Wide open, like a door.
Maybe they just forgot
to go to the toilet before.
Don't you understand
anything?
The dick is still inside.
Maybe it's when they come
a lot extra big.
Probably.
I hope we will
get along well
during this spring term.
You just staying
one term, Miss?
We'll see.
Take out your books.
Show us now, Izzy.
Use the tape-measure.
It has to be two centimeters
It's stuck in his fly,
we don't have all day.
A full pass. Is it two?
Yeah, he's right.
Out with the cash.
How much is it?
28 times 25 pennies.
Stop, that's cheating.
Cheating?
Yes, he's a Jew.
It doesn't count.
Doesn't count? No, they
have more hair than us.
Thicker, it's cheating.
I didn't cheat,
look for yourself.
It's hair! What the hell
else could it be?
Sure it's a hair,
it's not that, Izzy.
What is it then?
You're a Jew.
Christ, sure I'm a Jew,
so what?
Didn't you hear what I said?
It doesn't count.
You've got more, thicker
hair than we have.
Outside the racetrack tote.
If he was a horse.
You didn't say
anything before.
No, but that's how it is now
You can see that,
it's natural.
Wait Izzy.
You get 25 pennies back.
What fucking 25 pennies?
His stake. If he can't
compete, he has to get
his stake dack.
Why?
He knew it from the start.
What did he know?
That he's a Jew.
Look in the mirror,
his beak takes up
the whole mirror.
But this time
we'll let him off;
give him his 25 pennies.
And you'd be damn grateful.
"He came like a storm on an
April evening
and had a tankard on a belt
round his neck. "
Do you know who this was?
His name begins with C.
Time's up, 5 minutes.
She looked, I've got 3 left.
Hell no, one at the most.
We meet him in the
beginning of the novel,
he is the storm.
Are you asleep? The place
is thick with flies.
His name is Carlsson.
We'll look at the excerpt
once more.
Left.
Thank you for today.
Sit down. You name is Stig?
That face that I haven't
shouted at you
may persuade you to think
that I haven't noticed
your little...
eccentricities.
Nothing could be more wrong.
Chewing of the same
gum is bad.
It promotes infectious
diseases.
The note you passed around...
However, I may allow you
to continue your
little specialty.
I've never considered
the fly
to be a useful animal.
I don't know how many
you've killed,
but I am very impressed
by your accuracy.
I think you missed one.
Two.
One behind the widow's son
in picture,
and another that...
You will stay & clean up
the place of execution.
How?
Is water alright,
or should I use a little
soap too?
Use your imagination.
And the note...
What note?
The note you passed around
that was detrimental
to the lesson.
I don't know where it is.
Right hip-pocket.
Would you please read it.
I'm all ears.
I can't do that, Miss.
Are we suddenly no longer
able to read?
But I can't do it, Miss.
"How many times does
a cock go in and out
during normal sex?
Prize for the right answer. "
You gentlemen have
a rather ex-aggerated idea
of male potency.
All answers, except perhaps
Olle's, are wishful thinking
The flies.
What? That one, for instance
All bodies removed, Miss.
That one there.
Good-bye. Good evening.
Sigge!
Seymor Santesson.
Sigge. Don't hang your hat
hat on the elk,
you know what Dad says.
Where is Sigge?
First I heard he had
a quick leave, then Kalle
came and said, it was
postponed indefinitely.
And I made brown beans.
Was there a letter? Mmm
under the mermaid.
Little mermaid.
Save the batteries, Mum.
An extra news report.
German forces west of
Stalingrad
have suffered severe losses,
and the area around...
He lost a kilogram,
but he's still too fat
for welterweight.
You going to a party?
Why?
The curlers...
Oh, I just felt...
I want to look nice
for Sigge.
How much too fat? Two.
Kilograms or tons?
Tons.
The limit is 67.
Then he would have
fought Carlstrom.
Is that Strong Arvid?
Yes. Toughest guy in the army
In other words: Every bite
is a safety risk.
Transfer to submarine
service unconfirmed.
Not confirmed...
Submarines?
He gets panicky in a lift.
I'm just going up
to the attic.
Mmm, I'm in sort of a hurry.
You're going to the cinema.
Mmm I'm late.
Chocolate, sweets,
cream cakes.
Come, let's go.
Let's take the tables.
Leave them, the Nordic
Museum needs some things.
Music, music, music...
A technical problem,
you can buy chocolate
while you wait.
We don't want chocolate,
we want to see the film.
It's already 5 minutes late.
Then it breaks down when
it's barely started.
And it's not the first time.
Boo!
Chocolate, anyone?
I'll have some chocolate.
You buying the whole box?
Hurry up, for God sake.
Anyone else?
OUR GANG
That's the last time
I help you.
You have to learn
to be on time.
If Pettersson had shown up...
It'd be my last
coconut ball.
Damn it, I don't want to
lose my job
just because...
And put your hat on.
If Pettersson sees you with
on hat on,
you'll see stars.
Good boy.
Then they have ori-gies.
Ori-gies.
I hear! What's that?
When a lot do it together.
A lot do it together?
Yes.
Is that the same
as group sex?
What's group sex?
Same as you said,
what is it...?
Ori-gies.
Ori-gies. Quiet!
He's good around the house
too. Congratulations.
Yes, he always empties
the garbage.
And the rugs? What?
Does he help with
the rugs too?
Mmm, always.
You sit in the window a lot.
God, you know what I forgot?
Radio language lessons.
Aasen... Norway.
That's him.
There are a few of us here
round the microphone,
in a small room
and there are thousands
and thousands
throughout Scandinavia
listening to us.
There are thousands and
thousands in the whole of
Scandinavia listening to us.
And we here and you
listening to us in Sweden,
Denmark, Norway, Finland
and other places.
And you who are here
and you listening to us in
Denmark, Sweden, Norway,
Finland and other places...
What do you think?
You're improving.
You'll do it.
Sigge. Hi.
How long are you staying?
Just tomorrow.
Did you buy a ticket?
No, the girl likes the navy.
She's Danish.
You on submarines,
or is that a secret?
I didn't pass the test,
but I'll do it again,
to get underwater.
Imagine, just a thin steel
skin between you
and the icy water.
Cheek to cheek with death.
Can you think of
anything nicer?
No, it sounds cheeky.
As long as you don't
have claustrophobia.
Claustro...? Phobia.
Fear of lifts.
I'm not scared of lifts, am I
I've never seen you in one.
I take lifts, you take
the stairs,
and there are no stairs
in submarines.
That's her... That's her.
If you stay until after
the 9 show,
we can go home together.
Sure.
Is Dad home? Was my hat
hanging on the elk?
No, well then.
That's a point.
Help me. When will you
learn to undress?
I didn't say you were home.
They'll really be surprised
in the morning.
What're you doing?
The black-out.
You should know about that.
When are the finals?
They never tell you anything
not until the last second.
As long as
they don't stop me fighting
Strong Arvid.
I'd like to get
revenge on him.
But it depends on whether
he's been moved or not.
They can't move people
to suit
the army boxing championship
Now I really feel like
I'm home.
What did you think of Lone?
What did you talk about?
She talked a hell of a lot.
Usually Danish isn't hard.
I did not understand a word
she said.
Some dialect, north Jutland
or something.
Sigge...
What if she said
she had syphilis?
I'm just looking up a word.
I usually do that-did it,
when Mr. Mollerstrom was here
What's the word?
Words I don't understand.
We just have a small
dictionary at home,
there's not much in it.
I understand.
What's the word?
The word now?
You mean now, Miss?
Mediocre.
Moderate ability.
Now you don't have
to look it up.
Thank you.
Are there more words?
No,
I just wanted to see if
it says anything else.
Well?
What did it say?
Mediocre, Latin mediocris.
Mediocre, middling.
Mediocre, person of
moderate ability.
Work of no particular value.
I didn't know the noun
was mediocrity.
We learn something new
every day obviously.
Good-bye.
When does it have to be back
Before, he's going fishing.
How is your turtle today?
Thanks for asking.
What is it Albert?
I don't know if you can stay
Don't worry.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
What's he doing?
Looking up a word.
What's Sticko doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Since Albert hasn't returned
I need someone else
to go with me
up to the map room.
I'll help you.
That was the math teacher.
What number was it? 62.
It wasn't German measles.
Good, sit down.
Stig better take that back.
Only he knows where it goes.
Miss, the monitor's job is
to carry them down
and back up.
The nurse was force majeure.
Yes, indeed.
Do you see anything? No.
Sit down,
it's not the first
airplane to fly over.
But it's a flying fortress,
you can hear by the sound.
Sit down.
Plexiglas on the way.
How many are there? Five.
You can carve Plexiglas
with a knife.
An ordinary knife? Yes.
Any bullet holes?
Are there some in the
tail fin?
What's wrong? What?
You look sick.
No, I'm not sick.
Maybe I am after all.
Yes. Let me feel.
I'd better go home to bed.
Christ, that's my bike!
You'll get it back tomorrow.
Have I done wrong?
No, you haven't.
Once again:
Don't come unannounced.
My husband may be home.
You said he has a car.
What make is it?
America. It has a deer
on the front.
A Doge. Yes, that's it.
Color?
Blue, darker than your eyes.
He usually parks it in the
garage in the yard.
Then I just have
to look there.
No, it's not that easy.
Sometimes it's on the street
There are 4 streets.
Check all 4,
for Christ's sake!
A tip: At home he mostly
sits in the kitchen
listening to music, classical
If you hear Beethoven,
it's strictly verboten.
For safety's sake always
use the kitchen stairs.
I never listen to music,
I'm tone deaf.
But certain signals reach
me all the same.
What subject?
That you study extra?
English.
I should... We drank juice.
Or rather, I drank juice,
and my teacher drank...
coffee.
I was just drying
the glasses.
Oh, I have to go to work.
Listen to this. What?
What?
Aunt Betha broke her leg.
It serves her right.
Be easy with
your extra pupils.
The one now was
a nervous wreck.
The first in bed lies under.
Come...
Don't be afraid, come.
Miss, did you see what the
Stockholmer did?
What?
Did you see what he did?
No.
When I took down the map
and was going to...
he pushed me against
the wall.
Then he ran away with
the map.
We'll deal with that later.
Where did I buy it?
I bought it in London.
I just managed to
outfit myself
before it was too late.
The last traveling
Father did.
He sat in his chair and
the cars just had to wait,
while he wheeled across
Bond Street:
Rolls and the Bentleys.
Daddy smiled once, just once.
And then the war came.
Don't talk about Daddy,
not about Daddy.
You're talking about
your father.
It's a bad habit I have
during intimate moments
And your father, I want
to know all about you.
What does he do?
He hunts elk; an elk hunter.
A seasonal worker?
That's just in the autumn.
Mmm. That's why we're so poor
No, he's a private chauffer,
for managing directors
and such.
He did shoot an elk once,
but he said he "downed" it
He drove a few aristocrats
to their hunting grounds
and then
they sat him on a stool
and put a gun in his hands
Not shot, "downed".
It's at home, takes up
half the flat.
It's smaller than yours.
We have to duck when
we pass it.
Olle! Olle!
Where is your hat?
Can't I work without it?
With no hat? Are you crazy?
It's to keep your hair
in place.
Go in and sell, for Good sake
But nobody wants any.
Go in.
Chocolate, sweets, cream cakes
Nobody wants any,
start the film.
Olle! Olle!
Move, okay? 3 minutes to go.
Seconds leave the ring.
Last round...
Third round.
Get up! Sigge, up!
One, two, three, four.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Nine, ten!
Sigge! Sigge!
Stop, I'm first... Anyway,
elders come first.
Will we make it?
We'll begin with
the air raid alarm,
which sounds like this.
Are you sure that's the
Stockholm accent?
Viola.
Viola, happy birthday.
I didn't go to Nassjo.
Viola!
Well, hello, where's the wife?
Has she gone on an errand?
Yes.
Are you behind
in English again?
Yes. No problem, you fix it
A vase. Just perfect.
Tchaikovsky.
Romeo and Juliet.
The girl on the balcony.
Yeah, I know.
Straight gin.
Not bad.
But you should see the plans
I drew for my
real innovations.
This is... Yeah, this is
just small potatoes.
A bit of hocus-pocus for
customers, you know...
But not without a certain
elevating effect
on turnover.
There's a lot... You think
of a lot of things,
when you sit behind
the wheel.
And you know,
the roads around Goinge:
Straight and boring.
You have lots of time.
Lots of time
to think up there
among those spruce trees.
It's not complicated,
you just regulate the flow
with a little bolt
on the back side... like.
If you're away,
or made some unwise
New Year's resolutions,
you can just stop the flow
with the same gadget,
the same gadget you turn
it on with on January 2
Understand?
As easy as pie. You know,
this is just peanuts.
A little gimmick
for customers,
but it makes an impression.
And that's what counts
in my business:
Making an impression.
Take my name; what do you
think my name is?
It's not the name on my
sign. That is K, Kjell.
Kjell is no good, boring.
Christ! No, no...
It's only by the pastor
and my sign that
I'm named Kjell.
My real name... Frank.
Frank to my customers.
They think of Frank Sinatra,
and I'm half-way in.
Everybody likes Sinatra,
right?
Although I prefer
Mahler myself,
musically I mean,
and Beethoven,
late Beethoven.
String quartets:
Grosse fuge.
Cream for the cat.
Skol, to Beethoven.
Frank... and your name is?
Stig.
Me Frank, you Stig.